Holiday Spirit
by RandoMaia
Summary: Hermione doesn't seem quite as interested in Christmas as she usually is... Summary is crap, but the story is good. R&R. COMPLETE!
1. Buddha

A/N: I was bored to death, so I decided to write this mini holiday fic. If I can't fit everything I want to into it, I might update it sporadicly throughout the year. Enjoy!

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Christmas is a wonderful time, a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. Now, I present to you the story of Christmas at Hogwarts gone awry…

Hermione struggled out of bed and tottered down the stairs, eyes still foggy with sleep, to see Harry and Ron in a vicious pillow fight. _Lucky we're the only ones here,_ she thought, eying the feathers flying all around the common room.

"Merry Christmas, Hermione!" shouted Ron when he noticed her. "Have a candycane, there's a whole box that Mum got me by the fire." And he promptly went back to attacking Harry.

"Mmmhy Rismus," Harry said through a mouthful of pillow. Flinging Ron off him, he repeated himself. "Merry Christmas. Have you opened your presents yet?"

"Oh, I don't need presents," said Hermione, sitting crosslegged in an armchair and fighting off her tirednedd. "I've decided to try and free myself from material possessions." And with that, she put her hands on her knees and closed her eyes. "Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…"

"Hermione… What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"Shut up, you idiot. I'm meditating."

Harry squished his pillow absentmindedly. "You mean, like that fat guy always on television?" He was rewarded for letting down his guard by a solid smack from Ron, and staggered backward with feathers in his hair.

"Hermione, _what are you doing_?!?!" asked Ron parrying a swing from Harry's pillow.

"Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…"

"There's this fat Indian guy who does this," explaind Harry. "I've seen him on the television. And he doesn't believe in having… things, material posesions."

"No one could get by without things. He couldn't resist!" said Ron, shocked at the prospect of someone living without… well, anything. This gave Harry quite a disturbing image of Buhda driving a sports car, trying to escape the police. "I'm not going to jail again," said Harry's Buhda, looking over his shoulder as Harry's thought bubble popped out of existence. "Eh?" said Harry. "What was that about?"

"I just asked _you_, mate!"

"_Some_ of us are trying to meditate," said Hermione angrily. Harry and Ron jumped; they had almost forgotten she was there. And she stormed angrily up the stairs for some peace and quite.

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A/N: Yeah, Hermione as a Buhdist, WTF, right? I know a lot of people will probably get nightmares about this… I'll try to do another chapter soon. Review!!! Hermy the Buhdist will get lonely without reviews!!! 


	2. The Carb Side

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A/N: Wow! I'm updating! Isn't it incredible?!?!? Tcha, this chap is gonna be really weird!!!! Beware… be very very ware.

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Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked down to Christmas Lunch together, Hermione thankfully recovered from her "Buddhist phase." They chose seats at the Gryffindor table in the empty hall and looked up expectantly at the Headmaster. 

When everyone was assembled, Albus Dumbledore stood up magisterially, and said, "Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment, Tweak, thank you," and everyone could begin to eat at once. It was one of the reasons that everybody liked Dumbledore.

Ron reached across Harry for a plate of biscuits and grabbed one, offering them to Harry and Hermione. Harry gladly took one, but Hermione shook her head. "No carbs for me, thanks," she said absentmindedly, scanning the table for a carbless food. Harry and Ron's jaws dropped in shock.

"Blimy Hermione!" exclaimed Ron. "You can't suddenly do that… on Christmas! The one time of the year that we get so much food…

"More like one of the seven," interjected Hermione coolly as she pulled a plate of sausages toward her.

"C'mon Hermione, have a biscuit! Or a chocolate chip cookie from the cookie log! They're impossible to pass up!" wheedled Harry.

"No," said Hermione firmly, pushing the plate that Harry held under her nose away.

"Come and join the carb side," said a soft voice from somewhere under the table. Hermione looked around quickly to find the source of the noise, but couldn't see anything but Harry and Ron, who were also befuddled. The voice came again: "How can you refuse carbs? Try a delicious, chocolaty, cookie log cookie!" And a white figure emerged from under the table and said, "Tada!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione, all wearing 'WTF?' expressions, said in unison, "What the bloody hell…?"

"Pillsbury Doughboy, and I'm here to… hoo-hoo!" The Doughboy shot a dirty look at Hermione, who grinned sheepishly. "Sorry… couldn't resist."

"Soooooooooooooooo… I am the Pillsbury Doughboy, and I'm here to stop you—" He pointed at Hermione— "from making a terrible mistake. Here, come and have some carbs…"

"Never!" Hermione poked the Doughboy in the stomach and ran away from the table, leaving the Doughboy doubled over, groaning, "Hoo-hoo! That was a lung…"

With a shrug at Ron, Harry took a cookie from the plate that the Doughboy was standing next to, and while chomping with one hand, flicked the Doughboy across the hall and out of one of the high windows. "I'll be back," he yelled as he flew across the room, and laughed manically (which was cut off when he landed in the grass outside with a very un-evil-genius squeak).

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A/N: Now how psycho was that? I have a sick mind, don't I? I've just been getting drunk off my parents' eggnog, so that should explain it.

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	3. Judaism

A/N: Me again! Aren't you all so happy? Well, it's not the holidays anymore, but I'm bored out of my skull because I'm using really slow dial-up, soooooo… I'm updating the holiday-ficcie-ness. XDD

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Chapter 3: Judaism 

After lunch, Harry and Ron had their customary, ferocious snowball fight out on the grounds. When it was just beginning to get dark, they returned to the Great Hall for dinner, cold and wet, and Ron with snow in his hair. Ron stripped off his gloves, and Harry followed suit, wincing when he moved and muttering something about "that was ice!" They took their seats next to Hermione as the food appeared and everyone began to eat.

"Turkey, Hermione?" asked Harry, offering her a piece of meat. "Or… ooh, they have lobster." He helped himself to some and offered the dish to Hermione.

"No thanks, Harry," she said, pulling the chicken towards herself."

"You've gotta be kiddin', 'ermione!" said Ron through a mouthful of that very same turkey. "It's Christmas dinner! You've gotta have the turkey!"

"Oh no, thanks," said Hermione absentmindedly. "I talked to Professor McGonagall before the meal, and she said that they cooked the turkey with butter…"

"Hey!" said Ron, in a highly offended tone of voice. "I like butter! What have you got against butter?"

"I can't have meat and dairy at the same time," Hermione said. "I'm kosher now. That means no lobster, either…"

"Blimy, Hermione," Ron said in an awed voice, his mouth now empty of food. "What're you doing to yourself? At lunch, you weren't eating carbs, now you're not eating the turkey or the lobster…" He exchanged a look with Harry. Both of them had learned that Hermione could not be talked out of things easily, and they both had the sense not to try.

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The three friends were almost at the end of dessert. Hermione produced a small wooden object from her pocket that looked rather like a top, and began spinning it on the table.

"Oh no, Hermione… what's that?" asked Ron, indicating the top, as the dessert vanished from their plates

"A dreidel," answered Hermione. "It's a toy that you play with on Chanukah."

"What's—" began Harry, but Hermione looked up at the enchanted ceiling and jumped.

"Wow, it's almost dark. I've got to go light the menorah," she said hurriedly. "See you in the common room." And with that, she jumped up and rushed out of the Great Hall.

"I wonder what all that was about," said Harry to Ron.

They followed Hermione to the common room at a slightly more sedate pace. The portrait of the Fat Lady swung forward as they gave the password to reveal Hermione, sitting in an armchair in front of a low table. On the table was an object that Harry remembered vaguely from the advertisements that went up around Christmas time in the Muggle world, a strange golden thing made up of upside-down arches, and in the holders on each end of an arch was an unlit candle. "Happy Chanukah," said Hermione from behind the seven-candled _thing_.

Harry and Ron's eyebrows rose in unison. "Huh?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You two don't read at all, do you? Chanukah is the Jewish holiday celebrating the miracle of the oil, that gave the Israelites light for seven—"

"Hermione," Ron cut in, "what's wrong with Christmas? Can't you celebrate that instead?"

"Oh Ron, don't be so closed-minded. I'm trying to find the right culture for me. Here, the sun is setting. You're just in time to help me light the menorah."

"The what?' asked Harry.

Hermione rolled her eyes again and prodded the middle candle with her wand. The wick caught on fire at once, and Hermione took the candle out of its holder and proceeded to light the other candles with it. "_Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha-Olam_—"

Harry watched her curiously. "What's she saying, mate?" he asked Ron. "Is it a spell?"

"No idea. I don't think so… and why's she using that candle? Couldn't she just light them all with her wand?"

Hermione glared at them, but continued murmuring nonsense: "_Asher Kidshanu_—_silencio silencio_—_B'mitzvotav V'tzivanu L'hadlik Ner Shel Chanukah_. Amen." She had barely spared a breath when she had silenced Ron and Harry. By this time all the candles were lit. Harry and Ron were glaring mutely at Hermione, until Harry pulled out his own wand and lifted his and Ron's silencing charms with a nonverbal countercurse.

"Uh… Hermione…" he said tentatively.

"What?" Hermione snapped. "You were talking during the blessing!"

"Sorry. Look, please don't hex us, or anything," he said hurriedly, "but what _were_ you doing?"

"Saying the Chanukah blessing," said Hermione. "I'm done now, though, the menorah's all lit. Doesn't it look nice?" She gave a huge yawn. "But, I'm really tired. I think I'll go to bed. Happy Chanukah, happy Christmas. G'night, you two." And with that, leaving the menorah burning, Hermione walked up the stairs to the girls' dormitories. Harry and Ron stared after her. Neither knew what to say.

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A/N: D00000000d… You think the Jewish Hermy's scary, wait until the next chapter! Oh… how _do_ you spell 'dreidel?' 


	4. Catholicism

A/N: The final chap, and the scariest. I'm sure I'll give everyone nightmares…

**Holiday Spirit**

_Catholicism_

Later that night, Harry lay in bed, tossing and turning in the grips of a strange dream. He was in a bare stone room, rather like his Potions classroom with all the furnishings removed. Snape stood next to him, an evil smile on his face. On the wall before him were Ron and Hermione, their arms and legs shackled to the wall, groaning in pain…

Harry opened his eyes, confused. He could still hear groans… Sitting up, realized the noise was coming from Ron's bed.

The groans abrubtly stopped. There was some crinkling, and then something plastic hit Harry on the forehead. Poking it perplexedly, he thought it looked like half a plastic hot dog cover. Or…

"Ron!" said a girl's voice sharply—Hermione's. "You know that we won't have children if God doesn't want us to!"

A/N: I know it's short, but I'm pretty sure you're all grateful. I'm soooooo evil, aren't I? XDD Review!


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